“Pregnancy makes you glow!”  “You’re more beautiful than ever!”  “Look how you can eat what you want and it’s just that baby belly!”  “Oh that morning sickness just means your baby is healthy!”  “Don’t worry about those stretch marks, they’ll go away eventually…”  “No, I don’t even see the dark spots on your face — you just look tan!”

Ugh.

Pregnancy is supposed to bring euphoria, joy, happiness, all things good — right?  RIGHT??!?

Wrong.

Instead most women get bloating, hormones, insomnia, puking, cravings, advice, soreness in new places, broken tailbones, scars, stitches … leaking, gigantic yet excruciatingly painful ta-ta’s, crying, eating, no sleep, new routines, advice, no sleep, hormones, hysteria, no sleep … you fill in the blanks of misery. Sounds awfully harsh and cynical, but honestly, do the books really tell you all the hell you’re about to endure once you celebrate that thin blue line on the pee-stick?  Um, no.  (If they did, would we ever procreate?)

Some women have endured miserable gestation and it pains me that anyone has to go through that to grow a person.  I had incredible pregnancies, both times.  I know, shoot me dead — I had no real issues until afterwards (but that’s a different story).  However, since each of my pregnancies were so different, and even though my issues were minimal compared to some, I feel like I can empathize some when having a baby just isn’t what she expected.  My mom also enjoyed both of her pregnancies, though neither of us could tolerate coffee (which is hilarious considering we’re both addicts!).  My sister, on the other hand, has had a rough time both rounds.  And I mean to the point that she’s been on medication, puking the entire nine months, miserable sinus congestion, soreness in places she never knew existed … you get the picture.  {I imagine she hates her big sis for these reasons alone, yet I can’t help but wonder why I got the “good prego” genes and she didn’t?  I honestly feel bad for her.}  Then there are the clients and friends that have been hospitalized for hyperemesis and high blood pressure, or endure gestational diabetes … there are a myriad of issues that can come along with pregnancy.

So how does one find joy in a journey that is full of pain, vomiting and no sleep???  Loose joints, sore hips, exhaustion, and hormone roller coasters???  How about amidst taking care of other children, family members and the pets?  Plus, household chores, meals, grocery shopping … the list goes on!!

I will tell you how:  when you go through all that hell and look into the most angelic, sweet face of your newborn and realize the rest of the world doesn’t exist; when you can shut out the noise of the room and focus only on that new little person, the one who recognizes your voice and knows your scent, eager to stay close; when the feeling of that warm, tiny body snuggled into your bosom feels like home; when you know that every pain, irritation, food aversion, strange advice and loose joint was WORTH IT.

The fact that women “forget” what birth really feels like is proof that we are designed to do this — our bodies were made to be strong enough to endure whatever heinous torture necessary to bring that precious baby earth-side, all in the name of LOVE.

The joy comes from the journey folks, and if one allows, life only gets better from there.

So I just turned 35, and as a celebration of this milestone year (and because she is so much like me and loves birthdays!), my aunt came to visit and we shared some amazing, life-changing time together.  As she’s never had her own children, my sister and I have been like her daughters and she’s often treated us to special gifts over the years.  When my grandma was nearing the end of her life, she even asked my auntie to save some significant items to share with me in future years — I love these women’s hearts!!  The thoughtfulness in the little gifts has been so precious.

Among the sweet and tender moments my aunt and I shared, she told me a story of a dear friend who lives her life from Birthday to Birthday.  Literally, her personal calendar functions this way and she makes a point to do something very special for herself every year:  she changes her purse, inside and out.  While this may seem like a common thing for women to do, the way she makes it so special is HOW she does it.  She takes stock of her life and the chaos in it (as in, how her purse looks) and starts fresh.  While there are the practical items in her new purse, she also makes sure that what is in it reflects what’s in her life at the moment … nothing is random and everything has a place.  A new beginning for a NEW year, celebrating what is to come and the lessons she’s learned in the past months.  It is BRILLIANT!

A woman’s purse is HER.  It is an extension of her self and the things she holds dear.  It is a private and intimate safeguard of her heart.  It holds secrets, personal information and usually crayons.  It is sacred space, people.

I took this exercise to heart and made it a project.  Here’s what is in my purse now:

• two zipper bags (handmade with love) to hold my “intimate” things along with some makeup, tissues, lotions, etc.
• a journal
• pens that have ink and I like to write with (no crappy ones!)
• small coupon holder
• new cash/change pouch
• new card holder
• crayons
• something to make me laugh (right now it’s a note pad to issue “Fashion Citations!”)
• tablet (smaller, Android version of an iPad)
• iPod
• book
• cell phone

Our purses can be a symbol of the state of many things in our lives as women.  Imagine if we kept the same old purse for our entire lives, never changing with an outfit, the style of the times, or our mood???  It would be sad and depressing for sure!  We must treat our relationships with the same care and planning, keeping only what matters and adds value and tossing the garbage that keeps us from seeing clearly.  What about our state of mind?  When our lives reek of chaos, often our purses reflect this.  When we lack joy or purpose, we may carry very little with us, assuming we are of little importance.

Celebrating Birthday to Birthday has a great deal of significance in the work that I do.  I’ve noticed over the last year that the joy I’m finding in my work is tremendous and has grown because of my choices to be open, willing and excited to grow.  With a new-found gratitude for the amazing profession I am in, I’ve begun to truly appreciate the experiences I am so blessed to be a part of.  I will work hard this year to be aware of the joys in every day moments, laugh more and complain less.  When I witness a birth, I will renew my strength in another life to be lived, another journey to be experienced and another story to be written.  I will truly celebrate my heart’s work, birthday to birthday.

Also, now when I reach in my purse, I remember that just like the things in it, I am significant, worthy and loved.  I am a gift, one to be celebrated, and I deserve to eliminate stress and chaos while choosing joy in every moment and taking care of  ME.

And I deserve that latte (i.e., new shoes) — because I was born and I’m worth it!!

“I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experiences behind him.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

And my record of successful experiences has been growing since I chose this profession!!  For instance, since I was a little girl, I’ve hated vomit.  Seeing it, the act of it, smelling it — I’m sure you get my drift.  I would do anything to NOT puke growing up and even as an adult.  If I feel queasy in the least bit, I stop eating, do anything to prevent the act, and sleep.  Sleep cures a lot of ailments, I think.  Fortunately I wasn’t a chugger during pregnancy, but neither was my mom (my poor sister must have received different genes).  When I drink alcohol, I refuse to overdo it.  And even when I have an awful migraine, again sleep is often my cure-all and I can avoid the unthinkable.

My fear of throwing up has had to be addressed multiple times since being a mom, however, as I am sure any of you who have had children can relate. Unfortunately, at the beginning of mommyhood when my littles would get sick, I didn’t handle things well.  No rubbing the back, loving words or holding the bowl.  Instead it was more like the child was an alien destined to poison me.  Let’s just say, if my hubby hadn’t been home, I may have left the children to fend for themselves while I escaped until the fiasco was over.  Once my neighbor even had to endure the mess.  I know, I deserved the “worst mom of the year” award for my behavior, but for some reason, this was just a really scary thing for me.

However I think I’m cured — or at least mostly cured.  I must have skipped the parts in the books I read during my first pregnancy that indicated possible labor-induced vomiting and since I did not myself endure any, I had no idea it would happen until another doula sister addressed my ignorance.  Come to think of it, she sort of giggled a little while she educated me (which I can only assume was due to the fact that she was angry and bitter about my sick-free pregnancy and birth).  Anyway, the first time I supported a mom who puked during labor, I felt the familiar anxiety begin to overcome me and was thankful we were in a situation where another support person was handy to assist. And as time has gone by, the fact that I’ve nearly come to expect that a mama is going to let loose in all aspects, I am much better prepared and the anxiety has lessened considerably.  Additionally, facing this fear as a doula has in turn made me a better mommy:  now my kids get hugs, back rubs, and sweet encouraging words (live, too, not via recording!) if they’re sick.  I’ll even hold the bowl if I have to.

Another example?  Hospitals.  They used to scare me like crazy.  I felt unsafe, unsure and unprepared being a person who rarely takes meds and certainly avoids the doctor whenever possible.  However when I had my second baby via emergency C-section, which was terrifying enough on it’s own, I had no choice but to become a patient and place all trust in the hands of medical professionals I didn’t know.  Had I known to call my doula, you can bet I would have — but when things happen quickly, choice becomes extremely limited.  Then, my baby needed extra care and I had no choice but to trust the neonatal specialists.  Now as a doula, I go into hospitals because it’s what the family chooses.  However, I am able to support the family better as I can relate to the patient-doctor relationship, dynamics of a nursing staff and the fact that a mama needs extra emotional support especially if things go awry.

In fact, recently I was able to truly face a facet of that fear head-on:  supporting a mama during an unplanned C-section.  She’d been through over 30 hours of labor, things were not progressing well, she was exhausted and beginning to show signs of infection.  This did not bode well for a traditional vaginal delivery.  Much to our dismay, a cesarean was called and even though she’d had some time to process since receiving an IV and then epidural in hopes to prevent this, she was still emotional.  Oh man, could I relate — sudden changes are so frustrating.  Immediately I was at her side, holding her hand and whispering encouragement in her tear-stained ear.   And by some miracle, the medical staff honored the parents’ wishes and allowed me to suit up for the OR.  I couldn’t believe it!

This opportunity was amazing, unexpected — and scary.  The last time I’d been in an OR, it was ME on the table, being worked on and basically a name under a sheet.  The medical staff were wonderful in their work, but not emotionally supportive at all (though it’s not their job).  The rush of anxiety that overcame me as I walked into the stark, cold room was a bit overwhelming at first, but I quickly had to remind myself that this time, the story would be different.  For my sweet clients, I was able to be there in full support; and for myself, it was healing to face my fears and allow the work I was doing melt away the ice around my heart.

Regardless of our choices, life has a way of bringing unexpected things into our paths that can be frightening due to the unknown or past experiences.  Fear can paralyze and keep us from participating in things that could potentially launch us into the next atmosphere of joy — and who would want to miss out on that?!  To reference the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt again, it reminds me that even though fears are going to creep into my life, I can conquer them by continuing to face them.  The baby bird would never fly if his mama didn’t eventually kick him out of the nest, though surely he is terrified as he plummets to the ground … until he finally just spreads his wings!  Being stuck in the nest would be comfy for awhile, but as I am sure we can all imagine, eventually the discomfort would then become frustration, then anger, then depression, then discontentment … I think we get it.  Staying in your nest would be an awful waste of a life, dear one.

Why don’t you face that fear and step out?  Even if mama doesn’t push you, I’ll bet if you take the leap and spread your wings, you’ll fly.

What the heck???  I know, I know — but the way our technological lives are these days, I couldn’t resist!  Did you guess what it stands for?  “You Should Blog About That!”  And thanks to my friend (and client twice!), Holly P., for reminding me about how important it is to share our hearts.  Holly and I had dinner together recently and were talking about some significant milestones in our lives.  As we were packing up her two adorable girls (both of whom I was so blessed to doula into the world) and getting ready to head home, she said, “Thanks for sharing with me.  You know, you should blog about that.”  She’s right.  I should — and I will, but it’s going to be a process.  Plus, she said she missed out on seeing my updates.  I’m not sure if she was just being nice, but thanks Holly, for the nudge!

For me, the last two years or so have been extremely challenging; but I’ve been growing so much, especially in the last six to nine months. I’ve been on a journey, discovering who I am through what often seems like a maze.  Some of the discoveries come through conversations … I’ve learned so many new things being a doula this year … being willing to take risks has opened my heart to new-found joy … finding new exciting things while reading … often just in opening my eyes and seeing my world anew.  When we choose to see, it’s amazing what becomes clear.

So as a prelude to the {many} posts I will begin to write more regularly, here are some pieces of my heart …

*I AM FINDING JOY.  As a doula, all of what I am gaining at this point in my life’s journey is lending itself to added joy with my clients and my work. I’ve often told mamas that their head can easily cloud their view of birth because the logic of what is happening tries to supersede the miracle that is occurring within and through their bodies. When we relax, open up our minds and our bodies … ah, the beauty of it.  Amazing.

*I’VE BEEN CLEANING HOUSE.  Some literally (not often enough), but certainly figuratively and emotionally.  I’m learning to make better decisions about what I share and with whom and take stock of the relationships that add value to my world.  I’m also learning what is safe to take into my own heart and mind.  Would you intentionally ingest poison?  Or give it to your loved ones or children?  Likely not.  Even in small amounts, given over time, poison will destroy.  Consider what could be potentially poisonous in your life and stop allowing it to invade your soul.  You deserve better.

*I’M BECOMING A TEAM PLAYER.  There is nothing wrong with saying “NO” now and then (moms, I’m especially talking to you) and creating boundaries that keep you and your family safe.  Even if you don’t have children, you have a responsibility to yourself and your own sanity to let someone else handle it.  I’ve been learning that I can’t do it all, it’s okay to delegate, and being in control means that I have to take all the crap when something goes wrong.  I’d rather share that responsibility, thank you very much.  (There’s no I in TEAM, you know.)

*I AM FACING MY FEARS. If given an opportunity, do you take it?  Or immediately talk yourself out of it?  What are you afraid of?  What are you missing out on?  What are you leaving behind by walking away from possibly an experience that could change you for the better more than you realize?  Until I met my husband, I was afraid of EVERYTHING.  I refused to take risks, seek opportunities and allow mistakes trying new things.  I was so afraid to fail, I literally ran from anything I “thought” I wouldn’t be able to accomplish.  When he made the plan to ask me to marry him, he had to get me to board a helicopter, something I was scared to death of.  So when invited to join him on a ride, this little voice in my head, the voice of reason and certainly opportunity knocking, spoke so loud it couldn’t be ignored:  “JUST DO IT!  You may never get this chance again!!” I am so glad I did and honestly, it was the most fun I had ever had!  A dear friend of mine recently moved out of the country to Spain because her husband was offered an amazing position near Barcelona.  They have three young children, all their family is here, and yet here was an opportunity like no other.  I was SO EXCITED for her when she told me!!  What a chance to experience life in new ways; we MUST take risks, step out on that limb, and enjoy life!

Bottom line, life is unpredictable, challenging, scary at times, amazing at others — but overall, LIFE IS and is to be ENJOYED.  There really is no other way to describe this time we have on earth.  We need to open our eyes, hearts and minds, leave our fears behind, clear out the poison and clutter, say no, say yes, take chances, and enjoy every moment!

Which brings me to my point of this entry: being lost is merely a great opportunity to find a new path on the journey.  After tears and being fairly angry that all my “heart” work was gone, my husband was sweet enough to remind me that even though it’s frustrating, here was a great chance to begin again, brand new, start fresh and share what I’ve learned over these last three years.  Don’t you love it when they’re right?

Sometimes we get a little lost; whether being a friend, mom/dad, sister/brother, daughter/son, educator, advocate, partner … our life doesn’t necessarily follow a specific path.  Recently I’ve become more skeptical of the person I claim to be because quite honestly, I don’t always feel like she is who I truly am.  But does this categorize me as “lost?”  I guess it feels that way as rarely have I thought for myself, sought to discover ME, and therefore have essentially become trapped, often feeling as though I am in a place of discontent and confusion.  How can this be: I am so blessed to have healthy children, a roof over my head, a work that I truly find pride and purpose in, a family who loves me (despite my uglies), and dear friends I cherish.  Yet there I go, down the rabbit hole, falling into chaos, just like Alice.

And like Alice, my tears become a flood and I realize that the choice I have made has taken me farther from home.

But am I REALLY, TRULY lost?

I am discovering that no, being “lost” is simply a frame of mind.  A decision.  A feeling.  A part of a journey.  Alice eventually finds her way home but must grow, change, be challenged and become brave.  She does not have the luxury of being a wimp when things get tough!  Likewise, I know that while I often want to run away when things get difficult (whether it be in a challenging birth, with my marriage or kids, in financial crisis, etc.), I am beginning to realize that if I truly want to find my way home, to the person I know I want to be, I must dry my tears, become brave, and press through.  As I walk along there will be a new path that will bring new opportunities and eventually lead me home.

So here’s to new beginnings, starting over, and learning anew.  If you are feeling lost in where you are in life, stop and take a look around — you may just have been given a great opportunity to take a new avenue in your journey, which may ultimately lead you to bigger and better things.  And your new path home may be a discovery of greatness you could only have imagined in your wildest dreams!

Just like Alice.